Monday, February 26, 2007

Net Worth

A bit off topic for normal posts, but I had a thought today that I couldnt escape. Self Worth and our value to others.
I have always been different. I knew this always, but never could pin point it until I saw the film "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" and I realized that Toula was just like me, or I was just like her rather. One thing Ive pondered recently has been my value and worth to others. My employer, parents, and friends. I never did well in school growing up, always passed and did find satisfaction in earning good grades, but beyond that I never really strived for anything more. No one expected me to do more. I took ballet lessons, played the cello, and stayed home most of the time playing babysitter to my brother. Not that I dont enjoy and love him, but it seems that once he came around, my sister and I didnt matter anymore. We were always loved, and taken care of, but not in the way other than having dinner on the table. I struggled during my undergraduate degree, and now I have a 4.0 gpa in graduate school. I have been thinking about this alot recently, how could I be doing so well now, and I couldnt or didnt manage it then? I think I was craving value from someone, rather than learning that my education was a problem for others financially. I wasnt a human, I was tuition, and meals, and dorm rent.

Im none of those things anymore. I have a desire for perfection. It was brought to my attention last week in class when a classmate called out my tabs in my book which define each chapter for easy reading and reference... Anal I know, Anal I have become all in this search for value to others and self.


Knitterista said...

you know what though...I bet if you talked to your parents about that they would have no idea you felt that way...and I'm sure didn't intend on making you feel less important.

I was the same growing real push or drive from them and I didn't have it for myself so I didn't do anything. Once you finally realize as an adult that you have to make changes for yourself, yes it is difficult to have the self esteem to do it, but you have to believe in yourself that you can and that you will be successful even if you feel like no one is supporting you.

We finally realize we don't have to live in that role that our family put us in, that we can be our own person whether they like it or not.

You'll make it, I promise!

Shopping Diva said...

My impression of you is that you are brilliant and fabulous. I hope that's how you feel today! I had to work on overcoming my childhood. It took a long time, but I do feel like I am what I made of myself and not what my family tried to define me as. You are smart, talented and creative! NEVER forget that!