A bit off topic for normal posts, but I had a thought today that I couldnt escape. Self Worth and our value to others.
I have always been different. I knew this always, but never could pin point it until I saw the film "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" and I realized that Toula was just like me, or I was just like her rather. One thing Ive pondered recently has been my value and worth to others. My employer, parents, and friends. I never did well in school growing up, always passed and did find satisfaction in earning good grades, but beyond that I never really strived for anything more. No one expected me to do more. I took ballet lessons, played the cello, and stayed home most of the time playing babysitter to my brother. Not that I dont enjoy and love him, but it seems that once he came around, my sister and I didnt matter anymore. We were always loved, and taken care of, but not in the way other than having dinner on the table. I struggled during my undergraduate degree, and now I have a 4.0 gpa in graduate school. I have been thinking about this alot recently, how could I be doing so well now, and I couldnt or didnt manage it then? I think I was craving value from someone, rather than learning that my education was a problem for others financially. I wasnt a human, I was tuition, and meals, and dorm rent.
Im none of those things anymore. I have a desire for perfection. It was brought to my attention last week in class when a classmate called out my tabs in my book which define each chapter for easy reading and reference... Anal I know, Anal I have become all in this search for value to others and self.